THE GREAT LIZARD POOP WAR AT PERKINS PLACE

Every house has its quirks. Some people deal with squeaky floorboards, others with leaky faucets. Me? My nemesis comes in the form of tiny reptiles with sticky toes and a knack for leaving behind… evidence.

Yes, I’m talking about lizards.

At Perkins Place, they sneak in like miniature ninjas through the tiniest cracks—around doors, air conditioners, and especially through the garage. Once inside, they don’t pay rent, they don’t help with chores, and they certainly don’t respect boundaries. Instead, they leave little “gifts” scattered across the house. Lizard poop. Everywhere.

Pest Foggers help when I close the house up for the season, but when I’m living there, it’s a nightly showdown. The lizards are nocturnal, so I rarely catch them in the act. Instead, I find their calling cards in the morning like some twisted scavenger hunt. Occasionally, they get bold. One baby lizard once hitched a ride in my laptop bag, popping out when I pulled out my laptop like it was auditioning for a horror movie. And when I flip on the kitchen light at night, they scatter like cockroaches.

For a while, I thought I was doomed to coexist with them. Then, I discovered my secret weapon: Febreze.

That’s right. The same spray that promises “fresh linen” or “spring meadow” is apparently the lizard equivalent of kryptonite. They hate it. Now, I spray Febreze around doorways and their favorite hangouts daily. Since then, the poop trails have vanished, and the lizards have retreated to the great outdoors where they belong.

It’s not high-tech. It’s not glamorous. But it works. And for now, I can proudly declare victory in the Great Lizard Poop War of Perkins Place.